life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
