I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
