Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
