I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize