How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
