the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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