mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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