it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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