Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize