Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
