Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
