i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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