how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
