I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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