Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
