i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
