Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize