I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
either way he was missing a nipple.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
