I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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