So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Drunk is not a location!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
