dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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