there's paper in my vomit.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
