I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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