Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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