dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
