I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
