You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
