You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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