i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
