He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
