my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
