if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
