I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
