my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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