NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
