I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
