I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize