once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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