You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
