So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
