Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
