Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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