i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
