i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hippo gnu deer
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
