don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
