1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
