Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
