I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
