i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize