It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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