If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
