____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
