Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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