just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
