my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize