apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
