I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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