i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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