I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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