i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
