I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
