when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
