Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
