dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
