I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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