i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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